Deservingness

You know what’s hard for me?  Spending the day in as high a vibration as I can muster and feeling great.  Then getting home and realizing that none of that translated into change.  In the last few month im finding this incredibly hard to deal with.

Like today,  spotted the Doreen message of the day,  deservingness! You deserve good things not because you’re generous and wonderful and amazing but because all Gods children deserve good things.  You don’t have to earn it,  simply claim it.  And you know what?  I was feeling it.  I was walking down to play with the horses and I was telling myself “damn right Artemis, you deserve love.  You deserve the kind of love that transcends,  that grows , that helps you grow, that ignites your passion, your fire!  You deserve the slow burn that lasts through time,  the flash of lust and the dark deep heat of romantic love.  You deserve all that girl! But then what?  I get home and I’m alone and all I have is what’s missing.  That’s hard.  More than ever I’m struggling to keep my focus off the missing.

The logical mind is what kills it.  She says “Oh honey,  how long has it been? When was the last time anybody did more than bat an eyelash in your direction?  And you think you deserve what now? ” is hard.  Doreen cards and affirmations are fun,  but the facts… well they have proof behind them and that proof against a wish and a dream (even in my crazy spirtual world) is hard to beat.

 

Overworked

I vasillate between overwork,  10-12 hours days and then days where 5 hours is to much and most of the time is spent emailing my sister. In the last year,  its leaving so much toward the late late days.   Most of my days start with a vow to  leave early then the sun sets and I’m tearing myself away from the desk. Its not like I enjoy working so much,  so what is it?

Honestly and truly,  it’s my favorite distraction.  If I’m trying not to think of empty bed or over filled head I work.  If I’m trying not to see growing pile of books and emptying account,  I work.  If I’m trying not to see facebook feed with happy lived while I’m thinking seriously of my next exit strategy,  I work.  Luckily it’s non profit,  there is always work to be done and the pile doesn’t ever get smaller or less important.

For the days that I can’t be calmed with tea,  or oils or even fries.. I work.  Weekends,  late nights,  early mornings,  no prejudice.

Yes this leaves me burnt out.  Yes,  it makes me resentful especialy toward the universe that I keep praying is watching out for me.  But what other choice have I? If it means spending the time at home with family who only want more and more of me,  work it is!

It’s like my skip button,  my I can’t fix this but I can make the day end faster button.  I have had to face things that I never anticipated and truthfully even my enlightened friends and family don’t believe me when I say it.  I don’t blame them truthfully.  Some of this stuff is s little insane.  But then to hear them say oh my god it happened to me!  Months or years down the road is kind of obnoxious because they look at you like. ..wow you weren’t lying. ..that’s amazing.  Lol.  Sigh. I’m going to work.

So on the heels of another 10 hour day,  it’s nice to sit back and think,  is not forever,  it’s not for no reason. It’s how I cope, it’s how I deal. and no is not ideal but it’s a huge improvement on what I was doing.

 

Love is a dirty word

My sister loves love and I admire that. She’s strong and fierce in her love of love. I waver, I oscillate from, hermit, marriage desirer,  twin flame chaser, love lover, sex seeker, ex seeker, slut, nun, and back again. I’m a mess.

Twin flame relationship really fucked me up. There really wasn’t a whole lot out there until the last few years and now you can read it and see..oh it’s not something to aspire to. It’s a cosmic kick in the head, the heart and the vagina simultaneously. Not that anybody’s journey is the same but that much all the Twin flame ladies have agreed on.  Imagine if you will, finding your Zen and feeling complete only to wake up to visions of a man who is you, who reflects you perfectly who says no you’ll never be whole without facing me.  Ugggggh! It’s like the boss level of an old school RPG .. yea you could putz around and do a few little things here and there but nothing really exciting happens until you face that scary thing right? Course my twin has made the runner phase into an Olympic sport. Pretty sure he spent adolescence stretching because he hasn’t stopped yet.

But despite my particularly heavy level of psycho I’m still hopeful. I still want love and connection and intimacy. I have grown to the point that I know I need love in my life to be the best me, but that love doesn’t have to be from twin. It’s not about him anymore, it’s about me. But the universe is thus far, watching silently as we make our decision. I’m tired of putzing around. I’d like to face the scary thing and move on.

Solstice

Bittersweet day. It’s complex and profound- so many decisions made today whose long tail of consequence is yet unknown.  Why did I do that, say that, eat that, toss that????  Not even faith anymore. This was intuition so strong it was from the gut. Don’t ask just do.

I have seen so many of these long long days come and go. Always my heart is yearning for more and always I feel overlooked. I hope again with all my heart once more. I’ve learned that about myself. I’m as my boss says, a hopeless optimist. Even after I’ve thrown in the towel I’m back again. Somebody sends a message, I have a dream, see a sign, catch a snippet of truth on the wind… it doesn’t take much. I’m a idiot. But here I am again, beyond my breaking point, still wishing on stars and going about my business, broken heart and all.

Maybe this year will be different. I sincerely hope so.