New Moon

The new moon is sacred. It’s a time of clarity of epiphanies. Ironic that the dark moon gives us truth. But it’s so true of life isn’t it? Only in the darkest hours do we truly see things as they are. The dark moon is hard for me. My life isn’t pretty, isn’t moving, hasn’t changed a whole lot in the almost ten years of trying no matter what I’ve done. It’s a mess. But somehow I have kept going. The dark moon reminds me every few weeks of my stagnation. She reminds me that my pleas have so often fallen on deaf ears.  And when my voice did reach the heavens , still nothing came.

I’m at my limit. I can’t see any more options, any more reason to keep looking for options. It’s ironic, I’ve spent so long helping other people find a reason to keep on and I’m struggling , with out anybody to do the same for me.  But life is like that isn’t it? And it’s really nothing against anybody else, it’s just that I had hoped this time I wouldn’t have to rescue myself. I had hoped that this time I’d get a life raft, hell, give me a floaty or something lol. Think that as long as I have a sense of humor, I’ll be ok.

Dark of the moon means once again I’m digging deep for reasons to wake up tomorrow. Means I’m trying to see the good in myself and others. For it means illuminating the deep scars, the still festering wound from years of abuse and self harm. It means replaying trauma over and over until the light returns. I know it’s supposed to be give me the chance to change the way I look at it. I’m supposed to give it a different association, a different view, our art least take the sting out of it. I know it’s not an easy path. To be honest I’ve come so far and truly taken the sting from so much of my past, but it’s still an incredibly difficult task to undertake alone. Today, I’m overwhelmed. Today I need a hug, an ice cream cone, some thoughtful advice, or better still change, movement, growth. Growth that’s not just on the inside. A significant change to my outward circumstances would be fantastic.

So, dark moon is my least favorite time of month, but I’m sure like every time it comes around I’ll get through it.

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