So I’m single and endlessly pining for this big idiot who can’t get his head out of his ass and I’m thinking to myself …. do you really love this human or is there more?

And the truth is I really do love the big idiot, but as always there is more.  I’m stuck to him for so many reasons but one of them is that he feels inaccessible. He feels unattainable.  And why on earth is that desirable?  Not because I like a challenge.  Nooo I prefer straight forward and easy lol.  It’s because of my own insecurities.  I’m still 100% convinced that nobody who truly knows me can love me.  Yikes.  The fucked up part of spending the majority of life in abusive situations can be different for different people.  I worked my butt off to get through tons of issues.  My other blog was a mess, because I was a mess (messier) lol.  But this, this shit persists. If you dig passed the surface and find the darker shit. .. are you gonna run too? That’s the question.  They all have.  So maybe they all will?  Its a difficult topic for me still.  And then I have to ask myself.  Given the crazy betrayal and shit I’ve faced am I  capable of trusting another man 100%? And even then if I am,  is it a good idea?  Were they lessons or stepping stones? I’m just not sure.  So I guess in the mean time I’m distracting myself with the big stubborn man who loves me when it’s convenient.

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