I wonder sometimes about my life. Where do all the peices fit? At some point I should be able to say, aha!! The love of plants and making things and all things ocean and art and everything else I can’t live without makes sense. I am going to do X for a living and be happy. Right? At some point I should feel called to do something, to create something from my soul? Instead I’m just confused. I asked all my friend a couple years ago. .what do you see me doing? I asked 10 friends and got 15 different answers. None of which appealed to me. I went back to my mom and asked, “when I was little and you asked what I wanted to be. .what did I say? ” And she said, you could never decide. Ugh it’s my existence and I’m of no help.
Today I just wanted to lay on a boat in the ocean, yesterday all I wanted to do was make pretty smelling things. And at both points I thought if that’s all I do with the rest of my life I’ll be happy. Lol. Maybe what I really want is to not do anything stressful or serious ever again? Is there money in that?
My friends have callings. One is convinced that he’s a famous singer, all because he lives for his music. And honestly his original work brings tears to my eyes. One of my friends is an artist, so skilled he should be in MoMA but lacks self confidence. He’s happy with his friends seeing his work and giving him endless compliments lol.
I envy them in a sense because they know, no matter how hard it gets if I have this thing. .. I’m good. And I’m over here praying for miracles because I don’t have a thing. My thing was Ice cream lol.
And your thing doesn’t have to be a creative thing. I have a friend who is an endless mom. She could be drowning in a submerged vehicle ready to die; but if there is somebody drowning beside her, suddenly she’s aquaman. She says it all the time, helping people in any way she can is her life purpose.
I just want my thing. I want to feel tied to earth so that my urge to leave this place fades. I want to feel like I exist for a reason. I want to feel like my life, my continued life has merit.
A girl can only get so far on “maybe tomorrow things will be different” and before you ask, yes I’ve tried lots of things. Yes I’ve spent countless hours in mediation. Yes I’ve sought wiser counsel. I’m still quite lost. I’ve beat the spirtual war drum and even saw myself in my true form, in past lives, in other people eyes. .. but this, this eludes me.