You know what’s funny? Having a man say that he’s worried about me wanting him for his money. Made me laugh. He doesn’t want to feel like I’m only there because he rescued me. It’s like they forget that you’ve bailed them out countless times. Healed and massaged and kissed every wound. Listened to nightmares, held their hand through awakening and the months beyond that. Doesn’t matter that you’ve literally given all of yourself, his money is what he’s worried about. Not because I mentioned it, not because I asked for it, but because a friend who’s never met me suggested I was not who I seemed.
It’s not the only thing that upsets me. I wonder about his answers to things. When I ask about moving forward it’s always no. Even when I tell him it’s in my highest good. No, not until he’s ready. Moving forward doesn’t have to mean a wedding by any means. It can be a break up, or seperation, or any number of changes to our static relationship. But the answer is always, I need more time.
Twin flame or not some times I wonder if continuing on this journey alone isn’t the best way to do this? Maybe all the rescuing I’ve been doing for myself is to prepare me for a more solitary life. Yet, every time I walk away, I get shoved back in his direction. If he’s not ready why can’t I move on? “Because Artemis, they know and I know that if you move on you won’t look back” he knows it and still feels no need to do anything.
One of the reasons I am here is to learn unconditional love as best I could. Sometimes that means loving from afar. I will love you for ever but I also still love myself. My own sanity is at stake. My own mental health is at stake, it’s time to go. Take all the time you need, but don’t expect me to still be here when you finally decide what you want. I’m tired of being disappointed. I’m tired of bad news, I’m tired of struggling to find purpose and joy. I’m tired of not being a priority. Im tired of being taken advantage of and taken for granted. I’m done.