Rings around the moon and goodbye?

“What do rings around the moon signify?  Tonight it’s a rainbow. ”

The rainbow ring around the moon brings temporary relief from traumatizing relationships and scenarios.  It’s like a short period of good, smooth,  energy before the inevitable return of truth.  It’s also a time of clarity.  It’s a glimpse into life as it is rather than as you’ve wanted it to be.  The rainbow allows you to deal with things lovingly rather than without filter, but you will have to face it.

I needed relief. Id been telling my sister that there was absolutely no way I’d be able to handle any more of the abusive work situation I’m facing.  And then the rainbow moon came in and gave me some time to breathe.

Not enough by any means,  but some time is better than none.  I left myself no time at all to help myself this weekend,  and no time at all to figure out how to get out of my current situation without losing everything.  I meant to, but prior commitments won’t be ignored.  And honestly it’s stupidly difficult for me to say no when somebody needs help.  I hear this voice inside yelling at me, – if you can make somebody else’s life less shitty for a moment why not?-

It’s only in the last two weeks that I’ve been seriously looking at the people in my life and wondering about them.  There aren’t many and yet for the first time in awhile I feel that something is missing. I feel a sense of frustration in the fact that nobody listens.  And if they do it is because they want to get through my shit so they can talk about themselves.  Mostly though it’s hours of let me tell you why this life that I lead (that you’d absolutely kill for) is shit. Normally its not an issue and what are friends for?  But these days I can’t do it.  I don’t want to do it.  My brain  only sees that despite all the good we do,  all the love we give,  it’s never enough.  My brain keeps reminding me that we’ve suffered through every kind of abuse,  through nightmarish scenarios and we overcame, we forgave. ..for what? We are exactly where we were,  with now, no sense of the reprieve that we used to feel when friendships were balanced.

I know what my older sister would say,  if you’re missing it in others it is because you need to find in within yourself. This kind of talk is exactly why I only see her once in a blue moon. Lol.

I pulled back this week.  I really did.  I’m trying to stop complaining,  trying to stop running away.  I’m trying to use time attention and money to build a safety net for myself. I’m trying to get myself to s place where I love where I work and love where I live and I  love again. Im trying to get to a place where I’m not just surviving anymore.  I’m trying to get to a place where I can feel like this life has meaning and purpose. And of course I’d like to stop trying and have good things actually happen.  It would be nice to not have to rescue myself every day.

I’m incredibly grateful that the world has stopped caving in for a few days.  I’m grateful that I do have friends who love me. I’m grateful for the years of reprieve they have brought me.  I’m grateful for the time and effort and love they’ve shown me.  I am so very blessed to have them.  But it’s time for me to venture on my own for a while. Clearly the universe wants to show me something more. What else have I to lose?

 

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