New Moon

The new moon is sacred. It’s a time of clarity of epiphanies. Ironic that the dark moon gives us truth. But it’s so true of life isn’t it? Only in the darkest hours do we truly see things as they are. The dark moon is hard for me. My life isn’t pretty, isn’t moving, hasn’t changed a whole lot in the almost ten years of trying no matter what I’ve done. It’s a mess. But somehow I have kept going. The dark moon reminds me every few weeks of my stagnation. She reminds me that my pleas have so often fallen on deaf ears.  And when my voice did reach the heavens , still nothing came.

I’m at my limit. I can’t see any more options, any more reason to keep looking for options. It’s ironic, I’ve spent so long helping other people find a reason to keep on and I’m struggling , with out anybody to do the same for me.  But life is like that isn’t it? And it’s really nothing against anybody else, it’s just that I had hoped this time I wouldn’t have to rescue myself. I had hoped that this time I’d get a life raft, hell, give me a floaty or something lol. Think that as long as I have a sense of humor, I’ll be ok.

Dark of the moon means once again I’m digging deep for reasons to wake up tomorrow. Means I’m trying to see the good in myself and others. For it means illuminating the deep scars, the still festering wound from years of abuse and self harm. It means replaying trauma over and over until the light returns. I know it’s supposed to be give me the chance to change the way I look at it. I’m supposed to give it a different association, a different view, our art least take the sting out of it. I know it’s not an easy path. To be honest I’ve come so far and truly taken the sting from so much of my past, but it’s still an incredibly difficult task to undertake alone. Today, I’m overwhelmed. Today I need a hug, an ice cream cone, some thoughtful advice, or better still change, movement, growth. Growth that’s not just on the inside. A significant change to my outward circumstances would be fantastic.

So, dark moon is my least favorite time of month, but I’m sure like every time it comes around I’ll get through it.

Friend?

Ok so – everybody supports in a different way. You have friends who make you laugh, tell you something worse to make you realize your problems aren’t so bad… you know. everybody is different.  I have one friend who despite everything I have told her is shit about my twin flame, still supports him. Still wants me to let go of my boundaries and give him another chance.  It sucks because all things considered, she’s a good person; but seriously?  This man has done and said some really shitty things and every time she has been in his corner, “well.. he’s going through a hard time. The newly awakened path isn’t easy.”  And it’s absolutely true! it’s incredibly difficult but, I never treated anybody the way he has treated me. so it leaves me confused. I guess I ought to see it more as practice- learning to sense bad advice, learning to sense a bad friend from a true one.  that’s how i’m going to take it, as a lesson, because Lord knows I’m pissed about it.

If you are my friend I think you should support me.  If somebody is displaying abusive behavior, be a good friend and call it for what it is. It doesn’t seem like too much to ask.  Ok, that’s my rant for the day!

Secret

So I’m single and endlessly pining for this big idiot who can’t get his head out of his ass and I’m thinking to myself …. do you really love this human or is there more?

And the truth is I really do love the big idiot, but as always there is more.  I’m stuck to him for so many reasons but one of them is that he feels inaccessible. He feels unattainable.  And why on earth is that desirable?  Not because I like a challenge.  Nooo I prefer straight forward and easy lol.  It’s because of my own insecurities.  I’m still 100% convinced that nobody who truly knows me can love me.  Yikes.  The fucked up part of spending the majority of life in abusive situations can be different for different people.  I worked my butt off to get through tons of issues.  My other blog was a mess, because I was a mess (messier) lol.  But this, this shit persists. If you dig passed the surface and find the darker shit. .. are you gonna run too? That’s the question.  They all have.  So maybe they all will?  Its a difficult topic for me still.  And then I have to ask myself.  Given the crazy betrayal and shit I’ve faced am I  capable of trusting another man 100%? And even then if I am,  is it a good idea?  Were they lessons or stepping stones? I’m just not sure.  So I guess in the mean time I’m distracting myself with the big stubborn man who loves me when it’s convenient.

My Thing

I wonder sometimes about my life.  Where do all the  peices fit? At some point I should be able to say,  aha!! The love of plants and making things and all things ocean and art and everything else I can’t live without makes sense.  I am going to do X for a living and be happy.  Right?  At some point I should feel called to do something,  to create something from my soul?  Instead I’m just confused. I asked all my friend a couple years ago. .what do you see me doing?  I asked 10 friends and got 15 different answers.  None of which appealed to me.  I went back to my mom and asked,  “when I was little and you asked what I wanted to be. .what did I say? ” And she said,  you could never decide. Ugh it’s my existence and I’m of no help.

Today I just wanted to lay on a boat in the ocean,  yesterday all I wanted to do was make pretty smelling things. And at both points  I thought if that’s all I do with the rest of my life I’ll be happy.  Lol. Maybe what I really want is to not do anything stressful or serious ever again?  Is there money in that?

My friends have callings.  One is convinced that he’s a famous singer,  all because he lives for his music. And honestly his original work brings tears to my eyes.  One of my friends is an artist,  so skilled he should be in MoMA but lacks self confidence.  He’s happy with his friends seeing his work and giving him endless compliments lol.

I envy them in a sense because they know,  no matter how hard it gets if I have this thing. .. I’m good.  And I’m over here praying for miracles because I don’t have a thing. My thing was Ice cream lol.

And your thing doesn’t have to be a creative thing.  I have a friend who is an endless mom.  She could be drowning in a submerged vehicle ready to die; but if there is somebody drowning beside her,  suddenly she’s aquaman. She says it all the time,  helping people in any way she can is her life purpose.

I just want my thing.  I want to feel tied to earth so that my urge to leave this place fades.  I want to feel like I exist for a reason.  I want to feel like my life,  my continued life has merit.

A girl can only get so far on “maybe tomorrow things will be different”  and before you ask, yes I’ve tried lots of things.  Yes I’ve spent countless hours in mediation. Yes I’ve sought wiser counsel.  I’m still quite lost.  I’ve beat the spirtual war drum and even saw myself in my true form,  in past lives,  in other people eyes. .. but this,  this eludes me.

Knock Knock – spirits calling

Yesterday, in the midst of emptying my soul to the moon I found clarity.  I found that it was time to let go.  I cut the cords, i removed all our ties and finally said no more. Officially and without prejudice. Love is so strange. One moment you are wrapped in each other on cosmic levels and the next your eyes open and you realize the one you love, is not as invested as you thought.  I had pulled back before and last night was on a different level.  It hurt but it was necessary.  So what came of that?

Guides and guardians who were wanting to talk to me, convince me that I was doing the wrong thing. No Artemis, he’s the right one.  What are you thinking? What if you’re alienating yourself? What if this means you’re alone for life? What if this was the best thing for you and you’re throwing it away? What if this causes you to suffer? what if … what’s wrong with you? You’re going to hurt him!   It was mayhem.

What does it mean to have a revolving door of people (and not people) come visit you? It’s … intense. Imagine waking up from heat induced nap only to find sad looking woman sitting on the end of your bed, watching you with troubled eyes.  Sigh. Thank God this isn’t new to me and it doesn’t freak me out.. and I was far too groggy to be annoyed. so I sat up slightly, turned the fan to my face and listened. As she faded into nothingness, I closed my eyes and found the smell of jasmine on my nose.  Ahh flowers. When I smell flowers when there is no reason to – it’s Archangel Muriel. She and I have talked over the twin flame debacle. She and her twin flame Archangel Michael, have been my inspiration for a long time. I couldn’t even talk to her. It was too much, I was already losing it after the sad lady and feeling Muriel there told me – Oh Artemis you fucked up big time. I just lost it and cried my eyes out like a baby. sigh-  It didn’t end there. She left me alone, or rather my vibration fell so low, it seemed like she left. In came my twin’s people. The Guides, the guardians, the family on the other side. Everybody wanted me to reconsider, everybody wanted me to help him. Not easy, not fun, but I didn’t budge (massive pat on the back.)  It’s never easy to hear that something that feels good in your soul is being frowned upon, but in my heart, it was the only choice.

Such a heavy evening. Love talking to spirits and learning, but the questioning from beings I actually like, well that’s hard. This morning I really felt a sense of relief in empowering myself.  I felt like I had finally stood my ground and really did what was best for Artemis. I’m so exhausted though. Talk about a heavy experience.

Twin Flame update

You know what’s funny?  Having a man say that he’s worried about me wanting him for his money.  Made me laugh.  He doesn’t want to feel like I’m only there because he rescued me.  It’s like they forget that you’ve bailed them out countless times.  Healed and massaged and kissed every wound. Listened to nightmares,  held their hand through awakening and the months beyond that. Doesn’t matter that you’ve literally given all of yourself,  his money is what he’s worried about.  Not because I mentioned it,  not because I asked for it,  but because a friend who’s never met me suggested I was not who I seemed.

It’s not the only thing that upsets me.  I wonder about his answers to things. When I ask about moving forward it’s always no.  Even when I tell him it’s in my highest good. No,  not until he’s ready.  Moving forward doesn’t have to mean a wedding by any means.  It can be a break up,  or seperation, or any number of changes to our static relationship.  But the answer is always,  I need more time.

Twin flame or not some times I wonder if continuing on this journey alone isn’t the best way to do this? Maybe all the rescuing I’ve been doing for myself is to prepare me for a more solitary life.  Yet, every time I walk away,  I get shoved back in his direction.  If he’s not ready why can’t I move on?  “Because Artemis, they know and I know that if you move on you won’t look back” he knows it and still feels no need to do anything.

One of the reasons I am here is to learn unconditional love as best I could.  Sometimes that means loving from afar. I will love you for ever but I also still love myself.  My own sanity is at stake.  My own mental health is at stake,  it’s time to go.  Take all the time you need,  but don’t expect me to still be here when you finally decide what you want. I’m tired of being disappointed. I’m tired of bad news,  I’m tired of struggling to find purpose and joy.  I’m tired of not being a priority. Im tired of being taken advantage of and taken for granted.  I’m done.

Rings around the moon and goodbye?

“What do rings around the moon signify?  Tonight it’s a rainbow. ”

The rainbow ring around the moon brings temporary relief from traumatizing relationships and scenarios.  It’s like a short period of good, smooth,  energy before the inevitable return of truth.  It’s also a time of clarity.  It’s a glimpse into life as it is rather than as you’ve wanted it to be.  The rainbow allows you to deal with things lovingly rather than without filter, but you will have to face it.

I needed relief. Id been telling my sister that there was absolutely no way I’d be able to handle any more of the abusive work situation I’m facing.  And then the rainbow moon came in and gave me some time to breathe.

Not enough by any means,  but some time is better than none.  I left myself no time at all to help myself this weekend,  and no time at all to figure out how to get out of my current situation without losing everything.  I meant to, but prior commitments won’t be ignored.  And honestly it’s stupidly difficult for me to say no when somebody needs help.  I hear this voice inside yelling at me, – if you can make somebody else’s life less shitty for a moment why not?-

It’s only in the last two weeks that I’ve been seriously looking at the people in my life and wondering about them.  There aren’t many and yet for the first time in awhile I feel that something is missing. I feel a sense of frustration in the fact that nobody listens.  And if they do it is because they want to get through my shit so they can talk about themselves.  Mostly though it’s hours of let me tell you why this life that I lead (that you’d absolutely kill for) is shit. Normally its not an issue and what are friends for?  But these days I can’t do it.  I don’t want to do it.  My brain  only sees that despite all the good we do,  all the love we give,  it’s never enough.  My brain keeps reminding me that we’ve suffered through every kind of abuse,  through nightmarish scenarios and we overcame, we forgave. ..for what? We are exactly where we were,  with now, no sense of the reprieve that we used to feel when friendships were balanced.

I know what my older sister would say,  if you’re missing it in others it is because you need to find in within yourself. This kind of talk is exactly why I only see her once in a blue moon. Lol.

I pulled back this week.  I really did.  I’m trying to stop complaining,  trying to stop running away.  I’m trying to use time attention and money to build a safety net for myself. I’m trying to get myself to s place where I love where I work and love where I live and I  love again. Im trying to get to a place where I’m not just surviving anymore.  I’m trying to get to a place where I can feel like this life has meaning and purpose. And of course I’d like to stop trying and have good things actually happen.  It would be nice to not have to rescue myself every day.

I’m incredibly grateful that the world has stopped caving in for a few days.  I’m grateful that I do have friends who love me. I’m grateful for the years of reprieve they have brought me.  I’m grateful for the time and effort and love they’ve shown me.  I am so very blessed to have them.  But it’s time for me to venture on my own for a while. Clearly the universe wants to show me something more. What else have I to lose?

 

Sea

We love the sea.  Its home,  it’s healing,  it’s love and so much more.

 

Yesterday again I reached my limit.  Found myself in the car with the air flying through the windows crying.  Not my pain. … empaths know what I mean. .. picking up on somebody else’s energy is so difficult when you’re already low yourself.  Then it’s like you’re fair game to anything passing by.  So I’m crying like a crazy woman in the car and can’t for the life of me figure out how to make things better. It was good to cry somebody else’s tears and release some of my own angst at the same time… but still. Bawling my ugly cry on my lunch break was not the plan.  Talk about a shitty feeling.  Nothing that worries me is in my control.  And all I wanted was some sign of truth from the universe that all was well.  I got my friend offering pizza and beer and time.  Awesome.

Pizza and beer were wonderful and good for my low energy. But what really healed me?  The walk on the beach.  The walk through the water,  the smell of burning marshmallows and half lit bon fire mixed with salty,  briny, sweet, sea.  That’s my heaven.  It was dark,  but the moon was glowing and my feet knew the way.  Felt good.

If nothing else in my life changes. .. I still have the sea and that in times of crises is far more than I need.